Jealousy is probably my number one problem when it comes to relationships. It is just something that I cannot control. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t TRY to not be jealous. I will always contain some small shred of jealousy though.
Big one was busy all day today: work. Have you ever been with someone that you cannot get enough of? That’s how I feel about Big one. I could spend every second of the day with him and it still would not be enough. Maybe it’s a part of being a submissive. Like, maybe when you’re a submissive your Dom becomes your life. In my case, it’s not like I don’t do anything, but spend time with him; I have a life obviously. So, now I’m asking myself the question: am I clingy, or is this just a part of giving yourself over completely to another?
I guess it doesn’t matter; he doesn’t mind. Although, he doesn’t like my jealousy. Jealousy is obviously stemmed from insecurity and I feel like addressing the issue is the first step to getting over it. Big one thinks I have no reason to be jealous and I don’t, but I cannot stop.
For instance, tonight he is at the movies with a co-worker going through a rough time. His co-worker happens to also be a female. I cannot get mad at him for being a good friend, but I want to. Actually, I’m not even mad at him I am mad at this woman. Like, why do you need to be in my territory? This must sound a little odd coming from a submissive, but in a sense he is also mine; we belong to each other. This issue of jealousy also came up this weekend when he went to a BDSM munch. I spent the day horribly irritated and upset all because I knew there would be other subs there. The next day he catered to my needs and reassured me. We always seem to fix whatever is going on. He always knows what I need and vice versa. So, does my jealousy even matter at this point? Maybe and maybe not, but I think it’s beneficial to always work on it.
Missing Big One…
I’ve been a bad girl; keeping my Sir up until 3 a.m. even though he’s sick. I miss him terribly, so I’ve been trying to give him space to get better. I’ve been wet and horny all day. I took the opportunity to watch some porn today, but I couldn’t touch myself. I miss submitting to Big One and seeing his adorable face. I can be a needy and bratty submissive. I’ll be sad if I don’t hear from him tonight, but I want him to be well rested also.